My Breakup Letter to Society & Body Shamers

Dear Society,

Dear Body Shamers,

Dear people who can’t seem to mind their own freaking business,

To the girl who doesn’t think she’s beautiful,

It’s true that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” It’s unfortunate that you take a look in the mirror, scrutinize your body only pointing everything you label as flaws. Looking in the mirror doesn’t have to be dreadful. Truth is, you might be the only one to notice these flaws. There are certain people who do notice, and make it their life mission to remind you of your imperfections. There are people who will point out your insecurities and try to belittle you. Words can crush a soul, but little do they know…little do you know, you are much stronger than your insecurities and hateful words.

Society has labeled beauty, and it’s a lot of pressure. Beauty is not specific, it is so broad. Yet here we are altering our looks to please a society that will judge us for altering. It’s exhausting! How many women have gotten a butt injection because that’s what “men want” then later got judged for it? I have not changed anything about myself but I have felt so much pressure.

To most I am a fat girl, another lazy fat person who has given up on life. I am a fat girl to most because I choose to be. There’s also something about me that makes it okay for people to ask me if I’ve heard of a gym, if I’m ashamed of myself or if I’ve ever thought about fasting. My answer to them is yes, I’ve heard of a gym and I have a membership that I use. I’ve been ashamed of my body, but not anymore, we’ve been through a lot together. Also, don’t people fast for religious purposes? But yes, I have tried to starve myself and I fainted a couple of times. You rarely hear of a big girl with eating disorders, but I am one of many.  Eating disorders do not only apply to skinny people. I’m not proud of what I’ve put my body through, but I’m glad I was strong enough to stop.

Fun fact: I am NOT a lazy fat girl

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I have tried so many diets! Try reading my dieting history reading really, really fast:

“I was born big. Started to notice at 10, when dance teachers singled me out as fat, kids made fun of me and my mom took me to my first dietitian. My first diet was a success, but as soon as I got off that menu, I gained it all back. Then I turned 12, swore off dance class due to the fat shaming (Made up an excuse so my mom would let me quit.) Of course at this age comes middle school, where boys and girls start to notice each other. As “my friends” got noticed I didn’t. Their routine was to remind me that I’m fat and ugly and go about their day. Funny since some of them weren’t so skinny. That killed my self-esteem so I asked my mom to help me lose weight AGAIN. I went to tennis and dance class. Since that wasn’t working, I went to a second dietitian who owned a gym. I was in High School by then. That worked for about five minutes! Freshman year of college, I didn’t gain a pound. I still hated my body though, so I asked to go to my third dietitian who converted me into a gluten-free freak. That worked for 2 months, but I lost 20 pounds for a minute. Then there was a body builder that trained me for two weeks. If being sore could kill, I would’ve died! I remember having to go to a festival and getting myself drunk so I could walk without pain. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. We parted ways due to the fact that he lives in Haiti and I live in America. Then I got another trainer and that worked for about a year until she had to go to nursing school full-time. I have tried so much more than that.”

I don’t want to be thin.

I like my enormous boobs and rubbing thighs. Okay, my breasts are painfully heavy for my back,  but it can be so fun! You guys, they float in the water.

What I truly want are health and joy. I may be breaking up with dietitians and body builders but not with myself. Eating healthy, hydrating and working out are all part of my self-love journey.

We all have our perception of beauty. But there is beauty in everything. In a smile, “a good morning,” nature and people around us. Do I still have a certain way I want to look? Of course. Now that I’ve stopped caring what others think, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a lot of things that I do love. My curls! Do you know how much patience it takes to grow natural hair, from chemically destroyed hair? Now I have moisturized curls, and I’m proud of this transition. Then I saw my eyes, which have shed tears of loss, heartbreak, trauma and joy. The eyes that have witnessed terror and the beauty and love of God. They’re dark brown, almost black, and circled by a light brown. My lashes, who needs false lashes when you’ve got mine! My skin. I am black, brown, chocolate melted with a dash of cinnamon. Spotless, glowing and tropical. Melanin poppin’! Does that make me beautiful? Who cares!

The bible explains that humans are made of the dust of the ground and the breath of life. The dust of the ground! It’s hilarious if you think about it. Your body returns to the ground as your so-called beauty fades into dust. What will people remember when you die? How snatched your waist wasn’t? The physical world is temporary, so that’s not what I choose to focus on.

(For those who don’t know what SNATCHED means. You are either not a millennial or oblivious of the drag world.)

Don’t forget to feed your soul honey!

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I’m over it! I’m not angry, but at a place where all I care about is my well being. That’s what matters, and I lost sight of that by trying to look good for others. I am still very careful of what I put in my body. The only reason I eat healthy is because greasy food makes me feel nauseous, like I have a hangover. Though I don’t drink, I feel nauseous and get a massive headache. I hate feeling unhealthy.

I honestly don’t know how I got to the point of not caring anymore. I only remember my nights of crying myself to sleep. To feel better, I started journaling, praying and surrounding myself with people I’m sure love me. I fed my soul with positivity, my hobbies and the word of God.

Your soul is more important than your body. Never forget that.

Dear society,

It’s not me, it’s you. I’m done with the superficial and the traditional. You obviously don’t want what’s best for me and I do not enjoy your company. Our relationship is toxic and abusive. I will no longer follow your ways or try to meet your expectations. In the end, you don’t matter. I can’t keep doing stuff other people want me to do and be miserable.

Sincerely,

heart nat

Nathalie

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